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Recently, I've been unable to sleep until very late into the night. I've been on Newgrounds while I wait to get drowsy... And I have only one thing to say about Newgrounds around 12:00 AM EST

What the &$@%!?

Perhaps I should be thanking my insomnia. For now, I finally realize how the scum of NG passes judgment. Both nights I've been up here, there have been more fileswaps and spam than in a week's worth of daylight. It's truly disturbing. And so, I implore you, who ever is reading this (which will likely be only me tomorrow when I check my stats like the egotistical SOB I am), be on guard. Be especially harsh in your ratings of thing submitted at this godless hour. If it's good enough, your vote won't matter in the longrun. But saying "Hey... This is the guy's first flash. I'll toss him a five" any time after 11:00 PM could be the deciding factor that pushes a fileswap into site wide existence.

Beware, beware. You're in for a scare
If you dare to take a stare
At Newgrounds After Dark

Organized by kind of task, a guide to Epic War 3.

NOTE: Currently, 4Musketeers does not work. However, for some reason, it is possible to obtain the EpicHeroes medal...

GoodRookie (5 Points)
Capture seven territories (Easy)

Pretty straight forward though, I suppose if you were in a huge rush, you could start with Gald (Light Blue), as he begins with the most territories, four. Honestly, though, it doesn't matter. Just win battles.

Conqueror (10 Points)
Capture 15 Territories (Easy)

You don't even have to beat the boss held in the final castle. Just capture all but one castle.

CardCollector (10 Points)
Own 10 Cards (Easy)

Again, straightforward. Most of these are. Just keep fighting. I believe it should happen if you hit Level 30.

CardAddicted (25 Points)
Own 20 Cards (Easy)

Same strategy as CardCollector. Keep playing with the six characters, one at a time and max out your level (though I'm not sure if it's possible not to). The only challenge is the slight bit of commitment required.

EpicCardMaster (100 Points)
Own All 30 Cards (Hard)

This is the hardest medal to obtain because the only way to get the last five cards (the four Titans and the final spell) is to beat all the Cave Trials (see section on Cave Trials) and beat the game with all heroes.

DoubleClearedHeroes (10 Points)
Beat the Game With Two Heroes (Easy)

New Game Plus lets you keep all previous units but, sadly, not your hero. After choosing your favorite creatures to cut back on mana, just power through the other territories. The entire thing is much easier with a growing supply of archers and a few tanks.

4Musketeers (50 Points)
Beat the Game With Four Heroes (Easy)

Same strategy as DoubleClearHeroes. Keep playing with the six characters. The only challenge is the slight bit of commitment required.

EpicHeroes (100 Points)
Beat the Game With All Six Heroes (Medium)

Keep playing. Difficulty is based on the fact that it takes a fair bit of time to go through each hero. Even though 4Musketeers is glitched, this medal is obtainable without it.

RiseofTitan (50 Points)
Beat Two Cave Trials [NOT JUST BEAT CAVE TRIAL 2] (Medium)

Finally, the real strategy portion. As the official walkthrough says, the best way to beat the Cave Trials is to go with two tanks and the rest ranged attacks. Yeti and Dragon Rider are almost obligatory but, as for the ranged members, choose any of the five out of six you prefer, although I recommend the Succubus and Mermaid at all times. Have the smaller meteor spell and the healing spell maxed out. Also, have at least one of the big spells (Big Meteor, Lightning, Freeze or Phoenix, although having the Phoenix will set off the enemy hero).
This is where the action really picks up. Charging in will get you nowhere, so wait back until you have a respectable army size, fending off the creatures that venture into your territory. Your arsenal of spells should be large by now, so use those moves (especially the quick charging meteorite) to inflict damage on some of the creatures heading your way. Some damage to your castle is expected, but it shouldn't be more than 20%. The enemy hero, as in all cases, will stay still unless you hit him. Try not to hit him with a spell if you can. Be sure that you don't allow the boss, the Titan, to reach your castle. Instead, try to charge the enemy castle beforehand. Archers aren't the fastest, so it takes a minute for them to set up. Keep in mind that while you're charging the castle, keep firing spells and try not to let the little suicide goblins into your mob. They have some intense knockback and some decent damage. Soon, it becomes just another boss battle. Efforts are well rewarded, however, as the cards obtained are the most powerful in the game.

TheGreatImp (100 Points)
Beat All Five Cave Trials (HARD)

The biggest challenges in the game: The Fourth and Fifth Cave Trials.

Fourth Cave Trial
This is the home of the most intense killable boss: The Dark Overlord. In addition to primary boss Titan, a more powerful Titan has a great deal of firepower and HP. The best strategy is the same as the other Cave Trials. Try to finish off the primary boss before the Dark Overlord appears. When he does, fall back to your castle to regain lost troops. The Titans are incredibly slow, so you should be able to regain most of your troops. While the enemies are closing in, use the Phoenix Strike and/or Lightning Bolt to thin the herd and inflict some damage on the Dark Overlord. After the bosses are done, it's a straight shot to the castle. Now... FINISH IT!!!

Fifth Cave Trial
Contrary to belief, this trial can be fairly easy. First, replace your tanks with some quick, less powerful creatures such as dwarves and goblins, and the Centaur Archers area good choice if they weren't already in your roster. Second, USE THE SMALL METEOR!!! The quick recharge time and knockback helps keep the Imp back. The Imp, greatest creature of them all (not ironically. Invincible Imp appears from the start and deals 99999 damage per strike, even to a mob), behaves like an enemy hero. Don't hit him with an attack. Instead, hold all your units back until you have a FULL Army, destroying the oncoming enemies you see as a threat with your spells. DO NOT USE PHOENIX STRIKE!!! DON'T DO IT!!! It will activate the boss who will charge through your army and collapse your castle in one hit. Don't even touch the Imp until you are directly in front of him. Keep him back with the freezing, meteor and lightning spells. Don't bother with the defense boost, as it can't help you. Just keep the Imp back until the castle is gone. After I realized the Imp didn't have to be activated at first, I beat it on my first try (second, but it was after that initial time I realized the Imp was just another enemy hero who didn't have to be activated).

Congratulations! You've collected every medal for this game!

Return to the Table of Contents

Hopefully, this will be an index for some medal walkthroughs...

1. Epic War 3

Why do people get so offended when I don't like their games? Some people make crappy games that are about as fun as emptying the dishwasher and splice in some popular music from the Audio Portal (which, by the way, could use more interesting things than just techno. Listen to the sax solo on Baker's Street). Then, when I voice my opinions, they downvote my review, flame me out and, usually just don't take any of my advice. I'm not saying I'm a brilliant flash programmer (again, don't attack me just because I don't have disposable income enough to spend on Flash, nor do I feel that strongly that my "work must be seen!!!" that I download it illegally), but as an impartial player, neither "omfg he's my bezzzt frend!!!" or "omfg I hate this #$%#!!! go DIE!", I feel that I can offer ways to make the game more fun since I've played a lot of games.
The point being that, if your game is good enough to get great ratings, one low-level rater's post won't make a difference. I recently played a game where I didn't like the main music (Forty Two, if anyone's wondering), and the guy said the following, not even realizing that I was talking about a different song:

"Positive Vibe is the highest rated song in the audio portal. It is only boring because your feeble mind cannot comprehend its true meaning."

I looked, and he said the same thing to other people. Before this, he had claimed that the graphics "inspired him." Nothing says "I love myself" more than being inspired by your own work which, by the way, was a square as the main character in a one-level game with around five colors including gray, dark gray and black. I hope for his bloodline's sake that he was kidding... I really do...

P.S.- Enough Michael Jackson tributes. There are more important things in the world! Controversial subject, but I didn't like the man, he was incredibly creepy to me, but more importantly, I don't care. Tell me about Honduras and Iran! They are things that will go down in history as important points! I don't care what some old celebrity is doing. If you do, I don't care either. Build a shrine to him! Dig up his body and put it in the Pet Sematary for all I care! Just... Please. Keep me updated on things other than celebrities... Also, I seriously doubt Michael Jackson would be moved by a sloppy slide show of him. If you're going to honor someone, put your heart into it.

I don't know about any of you, but I come on Newgrounds to watch funny and/or interesting stuff. And also to feed my incredible new competitive side by winning medals of no real significance. I do NOT want to see "Spongebob $#%@s Squidward: Tentacle Rape II." Nor do I want to see "Naruto Orgy XXX." It. is. just. disgusting. More than that are the people who, in that little icon for flash when you roll over it, put a disturbing screen cap from their fetish flick or something. I don't want to scroll over "My First Project" and see a very small but very noticeable goatc.ex. It's really creepy how people not only put pictures up like that, but actually MAKE them! I really don't care if you watch porn. I'm not one to judge. But when you make porn about CARTOON CHARACTERS (I couldn't care less if Jinx from Teen Titans is screwing someone. She's lines and color), you're effectively putting up an "I'm creepy" bumper sticker on you (same goes for if you watch it). Go get your Loli fix somewhere else or better yet, seek therapy!

P.S.- Don't slip your warped political views into your reviews. I've actually seen someone say "Good flash. And the Jews did WTC." Look into actual facts and stop being racist and/or hateful (yes, Judaism is a race and a religion). And, for that matter, not all people from the Middle East are terrorists. "Everything. By Everyone" isn't free license to be an asshole under the anonymity of the Internet.

P.P.S.- Preemptive strike on anyone who is going to bug me about not putting up any kind of project- I'm not rich. I can't afford flash. And I'd rather not put anything up than put up a project hastily done in a month WHILE I learn flash in the trial version.